Knots.

I remember a love of epic dimensions
rich, powerful, abundant love
that could carry my heart to the heights
of the tallest mountain
and plunge me into the depths
of a dark,
empty tomb.

Human love of epic proportions
epic flaws
indescribable tenderness
deep wounds
tainted beauty.

Your heart in knots
your soul aching
for another love.

Continue reading “Knots.”

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Recovery/Relapse

You remember learning to be kind
and more patient
with yourself.

Some days seem too steep to climb,
others are smooth.

Some days you worry too much –
what will they think?
how do I look?
why am I crying? hurt?

Some days you like being here,
others you wonder why it doesn’t all just end.

Some days you worry about sliding back
into the whirlpool of twisted thoughts
and knots and aching limbs
and shifting ground…

Some days you miss sitting in that room
opposite a sweet, yet distant, lady
who asked you tough questions
and helped you feel understood.

Some days you wonder whether
you’ve recovered.

What is that anyway?
Recovery.

Keeping calm, anyone?

Nobody can tell you that it will be okay
what does that even mean?
Are we all suddenly going to be safe?
In a big house, out in the country,
birds chirping, people arguing about the bake off…
While out there somebody decided it would be a good idea
to drop a few bombs on so called psychopaths
and your friends are being tear-gassed because they
went out to the streets to stand up for what they want.

There’s pain wherever you look,
inside and out.
And you wish there were words to articulate the confusion –
lay it out neatly, solve it, keep calm.
You wish you could think your way out of this one,
you desperately want to DO something.
But what can you do?

Evil closes in on you.
It oozes from your screen.
It is sticky, revolting.
Do you look away?
No! You engage. But how?

Nobody can tell me that it will be okay.
I look up sometimes. I see hope sometimes.
But mostly I see blood and tears. Do you?

Vragen.

Today
your world is populated by
Christmas cards
birds that sing at twilight
pictures of cute things
‘Fifty Shades of Royal Purple’
a SAD light
an Advent calendar
150 mg of Sertraline
a couple hundred questions about Christian doctrine
and a ginger cat.

Today, you asked the question: how do I live with the madness and endless complexity of having faith in God on this planet?
You would like an answer but after pondering the syntax of that question and thinking about how it could be misinterpreted and twisted and made out to be something you never meant, you realise that it doesn’t matter because no answer would satisfy. Just today, this question contains a couple hundred others. Little things that bother you. Questions you’re too afraid to ask. This question – with personalised sub-headings – has occupied the minds of people for millennia. What if we stopped trying so hard to figure it out? It’s not a suggestion. Do we keep trying to tie loose ends? Make God manageable? Less scary? Less gracious? Smaller? More human? More straightforward? What would happen if we stopped?

You’ve got no answers. With a sense of discomfort, you remember that last week someone smiled and said, ‘It is okay not to know.’

The evening of November 4th.

It’s been an evening jam-packed with interesting links to photographs, articles and videos. From hearing Zooey Deschanel, Zach Braff and other well-known people read mean tweets aloud to reading about a journalist’s struggle with anorexia, it has been an evening of letting my curiosity roam free and explore. My head explodes with information as I think about how late it is, 23.28 – I should be sleeping, not writing. Since my over-stimulated brain will find it hard to sleep, I thought I’d give publishing my spontaneous thoughts a go. I wonder why I spent a whole evening reading about all these things: it’s kept my mind busy but I think there may be more to it. I’ve been out of my head the past few hours, it’s nice. But is it a healthy exercise or pure escapism?

Anyway, if you care to read/watch some of what has occupied my evening, here are some links:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2000/jun/21/fashion.hadleyfreeman A very old article but well worth a read. The writer shares some thoughts on anorexia, her own experience with it and how it all relates to the fashion industry. It’s not your typical blame-it-on-the-fashion-magazines kind of article.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFXl27z5sIE A teenager’s words and joyful tears.

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/facial-changes-caused-by-smoking Interesting. Seeing the external effects of smoking might be helpful for some people.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/bolz-webers-liberal-foulmouthed-articulation-of-christianity-speaks-to-fed-up-believers/2013/11/03/7139dc24-3cd3-11e3-a94f-b58017bfee6c_story.html An article about a woman who leads a church in Denver. One of my favourite lines in the article: “She’s a tatted-up, foul-mouthed champion to people sick of being belittled as not Christian enough for the right or too Jesus-y for the left.”

http://www.aviddetention.org.uk/ Associacion of Visitors to Immigration Detainees. I’ve been looking into volunteering to help refugees or migrants. My heart aches at the thought of what happens in detainee centres. I used to live close to one in a southern European country and sometimes you could hear people cry at night… I might write some more on this subject another time.

http://www.ted.com/talks/hetain_patel_who_am_i_think_again.html Who am I? Think Again, by Hetain Patel. I watched this for the first time about a week ago. Insightful. Entertaining. Funny.

I started writing this more than half an hour ago…I’m so slow =( Ah well, please feel free to comment and let me know what you think about any of these topics.

Yessica Dædalus.